By Malamute

Dear Mr. Queeg, sir,

Hey, roll them steel balls, Cap-un, the good ship "Cane" is coming to town and there could be a mutiny on the way, a "Cane" mutiny that ‘tis.

You remember Lt, Maryk, sir, and what he said to you, “Captain, I'm sorry, but you're a sick man. I'm relieving you as captain of this ship under article 184.” That was mutiny, sir, and I fear another Caine (Cane) Mutiny is in the making.

Mr. Queeg, sir, here’s what the Skipper of the Miami based Cane is faced with--er ah, some formidable, daunting odds, sir. It’s like filling an inside straight in the Bahamas, like finding out who ate the strawberries. Here is my reasoning.

1. IF THE SHOE FITS, WEAR IT: The field turf on deck will slow the men of the Cane, as some of the Cane’s midshipmen will be caught wearing the wrong shoes. Expect some blisters half way through the battle. “Try this one on for size, maybe it will fit better.” The soggy conditions that are predicted topside (Thurs-Sat) will make the deck even more treacherous. Speed won’t be a factor.

2. A FISHWIFE’S RANTS: The Cane’s sailors will be sluggish after two nights of bad sleep. They’ll be sleepless in Port Seattle. Changing time zones can give one insomnia, much like trying to sleep to a fishwife’s rants.

3. TOO MANY RAW OYSTERS: Raw oysters aren’t nearly as good as “Fresh Grouper and Dolphin hand-breaded, deep fried, served with french fries, cole slaw, tartar, lemon and malt vinegar.” When the battle starts, some of the Cane’s men will have a case of the collywobbles (sea sickness) and be mooning over Miami Beach.

4. TOO MUCH HYPE: Men of the Cane are too damned cocky. A crew who believes hyperbole performs “horrbole.” Men of the good ship Washington--Ensign Withers, Admiral Newnham and Lieutenant Miller, all of the local press corps--have added to this hype, thank you very much.

5. A HURRIED-CANE: The Cane’s sailors will miss their tropical setting. The cooler Seattle air will adversely affect the rhythm of the skilled swabs. Throwing into a strong, cool wind can take the sails out of a coxswain. The Cane’s coxswain will begin to force his throws—alas, into the hands of the wrong guys. Call him a hurried-cane. Call him a harried-cane. Near the end of the battle, he’ll look like a retired swab, sitting on a porch, limply throwing a Frisbee towards a Dawg.

4. BARKING SIGNALS: The Dawgs topside will be yelping and howling as usual. If they can’t hear your signals, they can’t obey your orders. The opposition will have no trouble barking signals.

5. THE LAUGHER: The laugher against McNeese State was a lamentable way to leave port. On the other hand, the Idaho’s Johnny Welsh, who is a coxswain with a quick release, gave the good ship Washington a feel for what it must do to sharpen its defenses.

6. SANTANA CLAUS: If Santana Moss fumbles the ball to the opposition, his skipper may holler “no más, Santana Claus.” Look for some fumbles here. Too much pressure has been put on that young swab.

7. HURRY-CANE PORT, DAWGFISH STARBOARD: The men of the Washington have some secret weapons that will cut the men of the Cane to shreds. Captain Rick will better Captain Butch in the navigational department. I hope Captain Rick uses the play I sent him: “Hurry-cane port, dawgfish starboard.” (Fake left; go right).

After the battle in Seattle, men of the good ship Washington will be rated much higher, while the men of Cane will lose rank, a mutiny on the way.

Oh, yeah, roll them steel balls, Captain Queeg. Thought you’d be interested. If you need to contact me by encrypted email, my public key is “let-me-out-of-here.”

Your pal,

Mal